I need to borrow some tools - Humor - 460 Ford Forum
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-04-2006, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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I need to borrow some tools - Humor

Anyone have one of these tools I can borrow?? :lol:

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DRILL PRESS; a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room splattering it against that freshly painted car part

WIRE WHEEL; cleans paint and rust off of bolts and then throws them some place under the workbench at the speed of light, Also removes, finger prints, band-aids, and deposits small sharp wires in your shirt.

HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS; used to round bolt heads off. Also useful for giving your palm blood blisters.

HACKSAW: Part of a entire group of tools built on the chaos theory. It transforms human energy into a crooked,unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal the cut becomes.

VISE GRIPS; used to round off bolts heads. Can be used to hold objects while welding, transferring the intense heat to your palm.

OXY/ACETYLENE TORCH; Used for cutting metal that is always 1/8" thicker then the tip you have. Very good tool for lighting everything in your shop on fire. Well known for the magic characteristics of the oxygen bottle always being empty no matter how much you re-fill it.

METRIC SOCKETS; used for beating onto the heads of the bolts you rounded off with the pliers and vise grips

FLOOR JACK: A 4 foot long metal pipe on wheels that is used for removing the skin from you shins. Also can be can be used for raising your car 1 inch lower then the height of the transmission your removing.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut fuel and vacuum line 1" shorter then needed. Used in conjunction with the tape measure to confirm that the line is 1" to short.

HAMMER; Originally used as a weapon of war, now known for the ability of its handle to stop the tool box drawer from opening. Also useful for making blood squirt form under you fingernail.

ENGINE HOIST; A basic lever on wheels known for its ability to travel in the direct opposite direction of where you are pushing it. Employs divining rod characteristics to find the edge of the floor where the stone driveway starts.

QUARTZ LIGHT; Very useful tool for keeping you feet warm in the winter. Known for its ability to melt anything that comes in contact with it in less then a second, including your forehead. Will always shine the light into your eyes, but will keep the working area dark.

IMPACT WRENCH; Uses compressed air to twist off any bolt that you need to keep, and change the temperature of a junk nut from 68 degrees to 500 degrees in 1/2" distance of thread, burning your fingers as you attempt to throw it in the trash.

PRY BAR; Comes in many different shapes, sizes and lengths. Most are straight blade but occasionally they come in Phillips also.

OIL DRAIN PAN; A container used to collect oil drainings. No matter what size you buy it will always be 1" shorter then the distance between the drain plug and the oil filter.



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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-04-2006, 07:11 PM
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Ha, Ha,
That reminds me, I need to make sure I turned my torch bottles off,

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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-04-2006, 08:26 PM
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If I may add to the tool list....................


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.


WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at
ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 part.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-04-2006, 08:54 PM
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I have a bolt...

I have a bolt I made at work I call the UniBolt...

1/2" coarse thread, but I cut both left and right handed cut on same bolt with a lathe.

You can screw both right handed and left handed thread nuts on it easily, it's a clean job.

My favorite trick is to spin a bunch of left and right handed nuts on there and hand it to a mechanical engineer during an interview and time how long it takes for him to remove them all.

The smart ones figure it out.

The dumb ones cry.

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