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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-27-2008, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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Colonoscopy Humor

This is a little humor for the ones that have had this , and also for the ones that will have it in their future. :lol: :lol: :lol: And even with the note from #13, my wife still does not believe my doctor. :roll: :shock: :lol:


This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough .

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-27-2008, 01:14 PM
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Been there done that :shock: but mine was a lady doctor....
I have no more secrets ops:



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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-27-2008, 03:09 PM
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Send a message via Yahoo to Radchero
Been there . . . .

Done that!

The only thing worse is being told you have to do it all over again in 6 weeks. Turns out they encountered an infection and had to stop right there - sorry if TMI.

2nd time around, after awakening and regaining my senses the doctor came in to apologize for hurting me. Only then did I vaguely remember giving him hell while under the anesthetic - it seemed like a dream.

Radchero / Kev
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-27-2008, 07:04 PM
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I'm 32 and Ive had 5 of these done. I must tell you they are very romantic. ops: I have a strong family history of colon cancer, so its either colonoscopies, or the alternative (cancer) i'll take the colonoscopy. I just tell the anastesia nurse that I dont want to remember anything, exept her giving me the dope to put me out, and waking up in the recovery room with my wife. My nurse never lets me down. :lol:
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-27-2008, 09:41 PM
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ah heck, i had the doc turn the tv so i could watch too. lol. watched them cut off a polup and fire up the lazer and cauterize it too. went to work that afternoon besides....hm been 4-5, years time for another...lol bobn
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-27-2008, 09:44 PM
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If the doctors name is Albert Clark I'd watch out. :shock:

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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-27-2008, 11:33 PM
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The night before after taking the MoviPrep is known as the night of 1000 waterfalls. :lol:

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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-28-2008, 08:19 AM
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just had the fun of that myself,
all i remember was seeing that coiled up camera tube before i fell asleep.
since i dont sleep very often, the sleeping part was great
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-28-2008, 01:23 PM
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Definitely the worst part is the prep. You would think they could at least make it taste better. Yuck, I only drank about 3/4 of it, but it was enough. I have to go every 5 years because of family history. There are worst things to go through that's for sure.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-28-2008, 02:29 PM
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At least it sounds like most of you have had good results from these. I wasnt quite so lucky 5 years ago. They discovered that I had cancer and let me tell you, your life only gets much more humiliating. I went through 3 surgerys, 2 six month rounds of chemo and 1 three month round of radiation. I was "stage 4" and so far havent had any recurrence. I am due for another test any time and if things are clean now then I am considered "cancer free". All I can tell you is if you are having any problems or a family history, make sure you get checked early to avoid bigger problems.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-28-2008, 02:37 PM
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Glad to hear you are on the road to being free.
My Dad had colon cancer, they found his pollup early and after everything he was cancer free. Got stomach cancer years later, but was unrelated.
With the family history and the passing of blood is why I had and will get mine checked.
Guys at work wont have a prostate exam because of embarrasment. Life is too short for embarrasment.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-28-2008, 08:40 PM
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Not had the fun of one but had the camera run down into my stomach.
I remembered all of it like it was a dream. My wife took me home and she had to go back to work. When she got back home that night I had a new pair of jeans and the fridge was full of food that wasn't there that morning. She asked if my mom had brought the stuff over. I said I didn't remember her coming over. She called and my mom had not been there.
She went back outside and remembered my truck being parked in the back under the carport and asked if I had been anywhere. Of course I had not.
Turns out I had been shopping! Still don't remember it.
If you have something like this done make sure your wife takes your keys!
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-30-2008, 10:19 PM
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That's hilarious. I'll send it to my wife so she can post it at work. She runs the endoscopy unit at one of the local hospitals.

She can tell you alot more about people saying things while they are drugged up. Some of the most famous ones are of people "enjoying" the procedure..... That's right folks. You become an honest person when your hopped up on drugs!

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