A guide for everyone that recieved tools for Christmas....... - 460 Ford Forum
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-25-2010, 12:26 PM Thread Starter
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A guide for everyone that recieved tools for Christmas.......

This is a how to guide for all of us that recieved the glorious gift of tools for Christmas! Enjoy!


Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:
A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Sh--!'

SKIL SAW:A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Feels great to run up the tool even if you have nothing to cut.

PLIERS:Used to over-tighten toilet bolts, thereby cracking the porcelain bowl. Frequently used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

SAWSALL:
Fastest way to do serious damage to your home. Useful for cutting your car in half.

BATTERY POWER DRILL:Looks great in a holster. Allows one screw to be stripped between charges.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after adjustable wrenches to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

OIL FILTER WRENCH:
Yoga based tool used exclusively for staining concrete with oil while simultaneously giving you first degree burns on your hand.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Fastest method for making wood into scrap. Also known as the source of many manly nicknames such as; (eye) Patch, Lefty and Three-Finger Sam12” RADIAL ARM SAW:
Simply an excellent way to scare the hell out of yourself after you spent all day squaring the table.BUTANE TORCH:
Used for igniting materials behind copper joints that still leak after the fire is extinguished.BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
First tool you will get stitches from. Used to open and slice through the contents of corrugated cartons; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles or aluminum cans, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Also useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

TUBING CUTTER:
A very fun tool used to make copper tubing too short.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a ’BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.
There is no need to send me a thank you note.

Merry Christmas and a Safe and Prosperous New Year to Everyone!
Rob and the ARW Gang

Rob Hawes-Anchorage Rod Works-Anchorage, Alaska
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-25-2010, 01:12 PM
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LMMFAO, thanks and Merry Christmas! So dead on that I actually had a visual mental picture of each tool in the list!

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-25-2010, 10:08 PM
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Very funny and very true thanks for sharing.

Later Mark.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-25-2010, 11:17 PM
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This was a great read!!

Thanks Rob have a Merry Christmas.

Clay

63 Fairlane 528, 10.66 125.6 MPH at Bandimere
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-26-2010, 09:09 AM
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The skill saw was perfect. Who doesn`t rev it up in air! Think about it, carpenters don`t but motor heads, we all do!

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