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Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the teaser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @[email protected]$$!%[email protected]*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

just read this on another forum i allmost pissed myself i laughed so hard
ralph
 

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That reminds me of what happened a couple of years ago. One of my buddies from another Company comes over to our arms room and says he needs all of our M203's (you know, the grenade launchers that go under the M16 or M4). He gathers up all of the M203's in the Battalion. He has no idea why he was doing this but does it anyway because he was told to. Next they tell him to go get a truck and take all of the weapons over to the local National Guard base. He gets there and the whole unit is sitting outside waiting on him. There is an ammo can sitting there and he's thinking why is an ammo can sitting there since they are in the middle of town and can't shoot anything. So the commander of the guard unit hand him one of those hockey goalie masks and tells him what's going on. They got a shipment of those cool beanbag rounds and needed to train the guys how to use them. Well he goes out onto the softball field and they all shoot at him while he's running around in the mask trying not to get hit. Well needless to say not all of them missed he showed back up with about 10 huge bruises all over his body.
 

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years ago a friend bought his wife one of those taser also was ok till one day she had went grocery shopping she had two bags one in each arm and had her little purse tucked under her arm when she came to the gate she was asking for help he told her to lift latch with your foot joking that just made her mad she tried to open gate and squeezed her arm to her body to stop from dropping purse taser went off and got her under the arm that was so funny looking i immediatly went home and to this day shes still mad about us not helping open gate 15 years ago
 

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Thats funny right there. I don't care who you are.If u guys dont think thats funny, u get out of here right now.
 

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rwyyattb said:
...just read this on another forum i allmost pissed myself i laughed so hard. Ralph
Thanks Ralph! I just read read this at work and my boss and I were laughing hysterically! That was hilarious!
 

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I saw a similar thing happen a few years back. I bumped into a buddy and his wife at the local Big R store and we were standing there talking and she kept telling him, come on Chad we gotta get going! He kept telling her yeah I know, just a minute! Well she picks up a cattle prod and just as she says " I wish this thing had batteries in it " she jabs him in the back of the neck with it :lol: :lol: :lol: Well guess what, it DID have batteries in it!! Man I'm tellin you, that was one of the most if not THE most hilarious thing I've ever seen in my life. He dropped like a stone, and let out a squeal I NEVER thought any man could make. It took him about three minutes to get back to his feet and he was a whole different person when he did. That was friggin hilarious! Now when we see him we ask him, "whats up sparky"?

Doug... 8)
 
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